Agoraphobia Hurts

agoraphobia motherhood

My children started back at school following the half term break today.  This is bittersweet for me.  Agoraphobia may be a mental health problem but it causes physical pain.  Last night, I couldn’t help but reflect on how our week had been.  It had been lovely spending time with them, squeezing them, talking to them without the constraints of a sensible bedtime and them being tired from school.  The bitter part was it being the end of yet another school break where I haven’t given them any exciting adventures to talk about.  They haven’t stayed at home the entire time.  Wayne takes them out and they certainly aren’t lacking from anything.

Missing Out

I feel like I spend most of the time watching my children’s lives from the sidelines.  Very recently, something someone without a mental illness wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at, a close friend and I were talking about our daughter’s birthdays.  She was saying that she’s going to take her daughter to the Harry Potter studios in Borehamwood.  My daughter is crazy about Harry Potter.  I actually came home and cried because I feel like I’m never going to be well enough to take my baby girl there.  She’s going to be eleven this Friday and it’s been so long since I’ve been able to take her out of our little town that I doubt she even remembers.

My agoraphobia often makes me feel completely consumed with guilt.  In my head, I know that they’re being raised with the important building blocks.  My children know how to try to be the best version of themselves.  They know how loved they are.  They know how to be independent and the importance of nutrition.  Their manners are beautiful and they’re such kind little souls.  I’m not saying they’re perfect (though they’re perfect to me), they’re just normal children.  It just breaks my heart that I always miss their school plays, their parent’s evenings, taking them to the cinema and swimming.  General things that most parents take as a given.  Sometimes the guilt lays so heavily on me I feel like I can’t breathe.  It physically hurts.  Also, I had no idea getting this out there would hurt so much.

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7 Comments

  • Hey You!
    You are on the long road of coming off your meds – that takes time and you will get better.
    Your children love you and in the not too distant future you will be taking those lovable rug rats out and about again. We all love you!!
    xxx

  • You will do it. You have done before, and will do again. You are a great mother and a great person. Just remember you have many qualites your kind, helpful, loving and fun to be around. Your children know you love them and as soon as your able you will take them to the ends of the earth. 🙂

  • This is exactly how I feel about my son. I don’t like being out of my comfort zone and so feel sad he hasn’t been on holiday abroad, or that I can’t take him out to trips in London. I feel so guilty it makes my anxiety worse and when I think about it I hurt too. I have one child – how did you cope having more children with your agoraphobia or did it start later in life?

    • It really does hurt 🙁 I’d say it’s the worst thing about agoraphobia. You know what though? Travelling to places isn’t what they’ll remember, but what we do give them is our time. Agoraphobia means we’re around for them every day. We can cook nutritious meals from scratch and teach them how to be the best version of themselves. We can show them how to make things, how to appreciate the little things in life.
      I had my first child when I was 18 – I wasn’t agoraphobic then. I did have it when I had my second two. It was okay. The hospital knew all about it so I had a private room for when I was there. There’s no way I’d have coped on a ward. If you need someone to talk to about it, I’m always here x

      • Thank you for replying so quickly. I had my son at home as the midwife thought I’d be more relaxed. It is interesting to hear you had your own room at the hospital – it is worth knowing if you say you need help they listen. I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression on and off for years but not offically agoraphobia as day to day I’m okay, it’s only when my we go on the occasional holiday a few hours away that it starts to come on! I’m really enjoying your youtube channel and will keep in touch, I’ve been watching your videos the last few days and they have given me a lot of comfort and are another reminder to keep keeping on.

        • Oh Victoria, it’s so hard when you’re struggling with mental health. I feel like it’s something that really isn’t taken at all seriously. Life is always worth the fight. Pay attention to the good bits because we have the luxury of time x

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