If you have a friend or know someone who is trying for a baby and it’s not happening as quickly as they might hope, you’re inevitably going to want to be there for them. Yet it can feel difficult knowing the best thing to say, or how you can support them. You want to be supportive but not condescending, helpful but not putting any pressure on them. While you can’t fix their situation, your support can make a huge difference in what is an emotionally exhausting time in their lives. Fertility challenges can involve months of hoping, disappointment, uncertainty and worry. Here we’ve put together some tips to help you be present in the right way, help your friend feel less alone and make their struggle that bit easier.
Listen without trying to solve
One of the most valuable things you can offer is simply listening. Fertility struggles often come with a constant stream of advice from well-meaning people, but what your friend may really need is a safe space to talk without judgment or solutions. Allow them to share their feelings, whether it’s sadness, frustration, anger or hope, just having a space to say these thoughts out loud to someone who isn’t their partner can be a huge help. Sometimes responding with something as simple as “That sounds really hard” or “I’m here for you” can be far more supportive than offering suggestions or comparisons. While it might feel like it’s good to say how long it took other people you know, or giving other examples, this can sometimes make them feel more stressed.
Remember it’s a long journey
Fertility struggles often don’t follow a clear timeline. There may be hopeful moments followed by setbacks, which can be emotionally draining. Being patient and consistently supportive over time can mean more than grand gestures. Even a simple message like “Thinking of you today” can remind your friend that they are not facing this journey alone. There are many steps in the journey of trying to conceive, so be mindful of this and let them know you’re there every step of the way. Whether they are still in the first year of trying naturally, or exploring IVF clinics and treatments, it’s something they will appreciate you being there with them.
Be mindful of what you say
Certain comments, even if meant kindly, can unintentionally hurt. Phrases like “Just relax and it will happen,” can minimise the complexity of fertility struggles. Similarly, avoid comparing their journey to others or assuming you understand exactly how they feel. Everyone’s experience with fertility is unique, and acknowledging that can help prevent them from feeling misunderstood. If you are pregnant or have children, conversations about babies can sometimes be painful for someone facing fertility difficulties. This doesn’t mean you need to avoid the topic entirely, but try to be mindful and considerate. For example, you might tell them privately before announcing a pregnancy publicly, giving them space to process their emotions. They will always be pleased for you as a friend, but it can be hard for them to process, particularly if they know it happened really easily for you when they are struggling.
Educate yourself
Taking time to learn a little about fertility issues can help you better understand what your friend might be going through. From hormone treatments and IVF cycles to the emotional toll of repeated tests and waiting periods, fertility treatment can be physically and mentally demanding. If you are in the know about what it entails, they will feel more comfortable opening up to you and feel less alone in the journey. Educating yourself also means your friend won’t always feel responsible for explaining everything when they may already feel overwhelmed – you will already know what she is talking about.
Respect their privacy
Some people are open about fertility challenges, while others prefer to keep it private. Let your friend guide how much they want to share and with whom. Avoid asking intrusive questions or sharing their situation with others without permission. Trust is incredibly important during such a vulnerable time. Try and refrain from asking every month if they have been successful and just accept they will tell you when they are pregnant. Hopefully the day will come soon and you can help with things like planning their baby shower and preparing for their little one, but don’t put any more pressure on them by asking all the time if they have conceived.
These are just a few things you can do that can really help your friend on what is a very challenging time in their life. Ultimately, supporting them means being empathetic, having patience and being kind. You don’t need to have the perfect words, or any sort of solution, just showing up, listening and respecting their experience can provide comfort and help them through
